God is the Gardner

I have liked and respected my bishop.  Today he became my hero.

Today was ward conference.  In his address, the bishop shared the story originally told by Elder Hugh B Brown of the Allegory of the Currant Bush.  I will summarize, but the original is much better.

When he was young Elder Brown bought an old run down farm.  On the farm was a current bush.  It was over 6 feet high and going all to wood.  So he pruned it down till it was a little clump of stumps.  As he looked at the bush he thought he heard it say, "How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. I was almost as big as the shade tree and the fruit tree that are inside the fence, and now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me, because I didn’t make what I should have made. How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.” He responded, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and some day, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down, for caring enough about me to hurt me. Thank you, Mr. Gardener.”

Time passed.  Elder Brown had a successful career in the Canadian Air Force and would soon achieve the rank of General.  But when the time came he was told he would not be promoted.  He would be assigned as a training officer.  He soon learned that the reason he had not received the promotion was because he was a Mormon.  He had given years for this and all he had worked for would not now happen.  He was brokenhearted.  He said, “How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?”

Then he heard a voice, his own voice.  It said, "I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do." He was humbled and prayed for forgiveness.  Now as years have passed he can see the wisdom of the Gardner.

As I heard my bishop share this story today I cried.  I have heard the story before, but it meant more today.  For 20 plus years my bishop has served as a firefighter.  The last 15 he has served as the city's Fire Chief.  He has given time and love to this position.  He is a hero to many.  A week and a half ago, the mayor, just two weeks after taking office, fired the city's fire chief, police chief, city manager and city attorney.  No explanation has been given.  The Mayor was elected on a platform of change and apparently wanted to change things.

So after 20 dedicated years, just months short of possible retirement, he is kicked out.  In his very next sacrament meeting address, the bishop shares this story with a humble heart.  Without talking about his disappointment and shock directly, he manages to share his feelings and to encourage the rest of us to trust Heavenly Father, even when we don't understand the reasons.

What a wonderful man.  He has been a hero to many for years.  Today I honor him and his wonderful example.  He is my hero.

Adventure update

Well, I've been gluten free for about 6 weeks now. It has been interesting. Since no one flour does the same thing as wheat flour, a blend of many flours and starches are used instead. I found a flour blend that is designed to be used as a cup for cup substitute in any recipe. I didn't like it. It had several bean flours and I didn't like the aftertaste it left in my cookies.

I was starting to ponder the idea of never having cookies again when I began talking to one of the moms at Steven's weather 4H club. She and her two sons are also gluten free. She gave me the best resource yet. A baking cookbook. Gluten Free Baking by Elizabeth Barbone. She had spent a lot of money and threw away a lot of food before she found this one. Elizabeth Barbone has a degree in baking. She was fascinated with the idea of baking without gluten, but was disgusted by the GF foods available. She decided to try to make food that tastes good. Because she is not gluten free herself, she was able to taste the real product side by side with her creations. It would sometimes take 50 tries before she got it right. She actually goes to the chemistry of the baking process.

She does not use a flour blend because cookies, cakes, breads, and crackers all react differently. And no bean flours. Her recipes use white rice, brown rice, and sweet rice flours, and tapioca, corn, and potato starches. Oh an xanthan gum; that is the stuff that hold it all together.

My first try was the brownies. Oh WOW! They were perfect!! That was the best brownie I have had since I lost my favorite recipe 7 years ago. I have so far made brownies, chocolate chip cookies, pizza, pancakes, waffles, and twinkies. All are wonderful. I have to try bread this week though; I miss my simple peanut butter sandwiches.

In a way I feel that I have gone backwards though. I have spent years using whole grains and grinding my own flour (sometimes even sprouting it first) in order to gain the best nutritional value. I am still using my healthy sugar options (it's all I have in the house anyway.) But still, I think I am mostly back to refined stuff. I'm not sure what to do about that.

The other day Jonny said that he was glad I received this diagnoses before he did (he hasn't; he must simply be anticipating ?!?). If he had to go off of wheat first he wouldn't have done it: "lay down and prepare to die" were his words. He is very happy I have found a way to make food taste amazingly good without wheat. Come to think of it, it is rather curious that I received this diagnosis first; he has reacted to my whole wheat bread for as long as I have known him. Maybe he just hasn't put it all together yet.

I will still need to figure out my food storage changes and put together a good GF 72 hour kit. Although that isn't really that high on my priority list right now. humm, I wonder if I can get away with that..

My Miracle

I'm not sure how well I will be able to share this, or even if I should. But I never want to forget this experience. ~and I maybe you might gain something from it as well.

You may have noticed that the last few years have been a little trying for me as I work on my degree. My usually happy and positive self has experienced stress, depression and anxiety like I never before have. The last few months have just spiralled down. I was literally living from blessing to blessing (I have done that before actually. For several months in seventh grade until my parents did the crazy and unthinkable: they pulled me out of school for 2 years.)

I know that the Lord wants me to do this. I know that He will provide a way. I know that if He can create a world, He can help me finish my degree. I know that my attitude plays a big part in my day to day happiness. I know that if the Lord says I will be able to meet my goals, I will be able to do so. I know that if I am self absorbed, I need to look to the needs of others. I know that if I have faith, it will work out. I know that my family loves and supports me and will help when I ask. I know that if I focus on the negative, I am likely to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I know all of this, yet I couldn't shake my negative spiral I was in. I was crying all the time. I prayed, I fasted, I read my scriptures. Still I just couldn't get myself out of it. I was just plain exhausted. It was real despair; I have never felt that before. It's not like I can just go through the motions; I have to write, I have to be creative, and creative can't happen in a spirit of negativity. I began to look into taking a term break. When I prayed about that, I received the answer that it was up to me. I will finish eventually, and that is the important part.

My current term ends at the end of January, so if I am going to take a break now is the time to decide. In a 12 hour period I literally changed my mind completely at least 5 times. I fasted that day too (two Sundays ago).

That night I had a bit of a revelation. The Atonement is not just for sin, but for our weaknesses and sorrows too, even our lack of faith. I plead for the power of the Atonement to heal my heart. I plead that I might find joy in my studies again. Finally, I started to climb out of the pit I was in. I can't describe how real this was. I feel almost like I should quote Alma (36:21)
"There could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains ... on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy." Probably not to the extreme as Alma's experience, but it was real. I couldn't pull myself out. I tried. I was doing everything I felt that I was supposed to do to receive the help I needed. I was in trouble. I knew I could not continue that road without walking right into an emotional breakdown. It wasn't until I invoked the power of the Atonement that I felt any relief. And relief came. The assignments that had been haunting me were suddenly not so bad. Ideas slowly began to come. I finished that assignment. I finished the corrections on another.

I still don't know how it can all possibly get done on time (end of July). I have plenty to keep me busy for a year. But miracles happen. They happen everyday if we are paying enough attention to see them. This degree is a miracle, for it is not me alone, by any stretch of the imagination, that this will be done. It is evidence of a string a many many miracles. And I will finish, eventually. I will not take a break now. I will continue on. I will complete it eventually, and that is fine.