Almost There

Student Teaching has been a roller coaster of an experience.  January it was fabulous.  I loved spending time with the kids, helping, teaching, and meeting the staff.  I quickly began my Clinical Observations did well and improved each time.  The kids were doing well and time just went quickly.

February was good.  Steven started to have some conflicts with Lori, personality differences. I worked on and completed my big huge TPA assignment.  That was a lot of work and a huge accomplishment.  I sent the family away almost every Saturday so that I could work on it and get it done.  It was good, but tiring.  Towards the end of the month, Lori had a couple of sick days, and the kids spent a few days here, a few with the Walton's and a few with the Atwood's.  The change got hard on Joshua. For about a week, he just wouldn't stop crying for more than a short time.  He is such a happy boy, this change was quite alarming.  I began to be anxious for this to be done; I want to be back with my family.  It got to be too much for Lori so the kids are split up.  She still has Daniel, Joshua, and Rebecca.  Steven and Isaac are at the Walton's.  It is working out very well.

March.  I'm almost there.  The plan was for me to teach practically exclusively for a week, then officially alone for 2 weeks.  The last full week I am to pass it back to the host teacher and spend some time observing other classrooms. I am almost done.  The transition seemed to go well. I did the whole week alone with her in the room only occasionally.  She still did a lot of the discipline though.  This made me a bit anxious, because up until now, that was the one thing I had not really taken over.  It was going well though; I knew they would test me and I felt prepared. 

I was not! I was totally taken aback by the level of testing and challenging I received.  These sweet lovely children turned into monsters.  OK, not really.  But they needed to know what I expected of them and I had failed to clarify that for them.  For 2 days it went from bad to worse.  In fact on day 3 the principal came in for a scheduled observation to witness, without a doubt, the worst lesson I had ever given.  I had 5 very active boys all defiantly not participating.  Of course no one can learn in that type of environment.  It was awful.  I received a blessing that night.  The principal gave me some good suggestions though and I put them to work the next day.  It began to get better.  That day I had an observation from my clinical supervisor.  I did not have time to talk with him that day because the observed lesson was sandwiched between other learning segments.  But everyone else did.  My principal and host teacher gave him the run down.  I met with him the following morning.  He also gave me some good suggestions full of constructive criticism and some good solid council.  I put them into practice right away.  It got better.  Slowly but surely.  It is Saturday.  Come Monday I will have to assure the kids that I still mean what I say I mean.

Yes, the full time student teaching is hard, but that is not all.  Yes, it is hard for me to dominate a room when that is not in my nature, but that is not all.  Yes, I am getting "trunky" and want to be done, but it is more than that.  The more I am immersed in the school system, they more I want to get out of there.  I don't like the environment.  25 kids and one adult is not just unnatural, I think it is unhealthy.  Those trouble makers are fabulous kids.  I love each one of them.  They are brilliant and I wish I could do more for them.  But then there are the quiet ones who are easily overlooked, my heart yearns for them too. 

I just cant put it into words.  I have a constant anxiety knot in my stomach.  I don't like the system, but I have to learn and live the system, it is a literal hour by hour battle for me as I have to talk myself into continuing.  I don't understand why it affects me so strongly.  I can't bad talk the system; after all, there are good things happening there. But it is definitely not perfect and I long to have the freedom to teach academics through the Spirit.  I am not good enough yet to accomplish that in the regular classroom.  Maybe someday I will be.

I'm getting it though, it is getting better and easier.  10 days.  One more week of full time, then I begin to pass it back.  My course work is done.  My big huge assignment is done.  My portfolio is done (minus the letters of recommendation that I still have to earn).  I only have 10 more days.  I can do this.

Yet through it all there has been so many tender mercies from my Father in Heaven to assure me and help me.  The morning of my worse day I read from the Lorenzo Snow lesson for this Sunday.  It said:

“My young friends, there is an opportunity for you to become great—just as great as you wish to be. In starting out in life you may set your hearts upon things very difficult to attain to, but possibly within your reach. In your first efforts to gratify your desires you may fail, and your continued efforts may not prove what may be termed a success. But inasmuch as your efforts were honest efforts, and inasmuch as your desires were founded in righteousness, the experience you obtain while pursuing your hearts’ desires must necessarily be profitable to you, and even your mistakes, if mistakes you make, will be turned to your advantage.”

Oh thank you!  I was finally able to cry.

Yesterday as I drove to school I looked up to a flock of birds flying overhead.  Among them was a bald eagle.  He perched in a tree just in front of me.  I thought of Mom.  She spent enough time with the Indian tribes to put importance on the Eagle.  She always felt that it was good if an eagle flew over you as you were driving along.  "Mom, did you send me that eagle?"  And I knew she had.  I knew that she was sitting right next to me and that she had been right next to me through this whole thing.  She wouldn't have left me through this.  This is and amazingly difficult thing for me to do.  She wouldn't leave me.

The steady stream of tender mercies are overwhelming.  How grateful I am for a Father in Heaven who loves me.

Help thou mine unbelief

When I first started WGU I went through my first few assessments quickly, but they were mostly objective assessments and I was still only putting in about 10 hours a week (if I passed the multiple choice test, I passed the class). But because I did those quickly, my advisor got excited and suggested I be ready for student teaching this fall 2011. That freaked me out because it looked so big. After freaking out for a few weeks, I asked if I could push it to January 2012. Then as I entered the early education classes and their performance objectives (essays and projects), I saw how much longer they take; even though it was still review, I had to do the work). The first six classes or so had about 4 tasks per class, but the later ones had 10-13 tasks per class. I began to get stressed again about being ready by January 2012. My advisor insisted that these later tasks tend to go much quicker. I translated that to mean that although there are more, they are not as time consuming as the earlier ones. That gave me some hope and kept me going for another 5 weeks or so, but I was still stressed and increasingly so (I scared myself, I have never been that upset before). I finally decided to push it back to fall 2012. If I could have made it by January, with a little more push, then surely I could make it by August and still be able to sleep. I should have it all wrapped up by March, I thought.

But now I am into those later ones and I am not seeing them being any less time consuming than the earlier ones; there is just 3 times the work. (These classes have 10+ tasks instead of 4, and many of those require twice + the work, such as an essay AND a project AND a report on the project for each). I am only putting in about 10 hours a week, averaging 1 task a week. I have 42 weeks and 47 tasks and 2 tests. That doesn't add up. I sent an email to my advisor and asked him what was up. I tried to do that last July, but he really didn't hear me. This time he did. Maybe that had something to do with the suggestion that I might freak out and drive to his house banging on his door. He finally explained. They don't go quicker because they are less time consuming, but because people usually see the light at the end of the tunnel and go much quicker.

OH! That is very different!!

But I can't postpone anymore. I wouldn't have the credits I need for each term. I just have to make it work. I hope this new laptop will help out. So far I can only do my work on the main computer in the family/living room/kitchen, that means when everyone is asleep. Now, maybe I can lock myself in my room every now and again and get some work done without kicking everyone out of the house. Even that can not happen on camping weekends.

Sage would come up if she could, but she is grandpa sitting. Grandpa is needing constant watching now. She is taking time off of school to take care of him.

There are just too many variables to really see what will happen. I am going to begin my in-class assignments; I really have no idea how those will pan out and how long they will take. Come summer, I can let the kids play outside and work more if I am up against the line, but I have to have them all done by the end of July. I still do not have a good plan on what to do with my kids when I go into the class for these assignments, that bothers me a lot. Of the 47 tasks I have left half, of them require in class components. Not simple observations like UoP asked for, but interviews, lesson planning, lesson teaching, and planning and creating visual aids (and at least one essay to go along with each).

I know that Heavenly Father has this planned out. I have received feelings of peace and assurance numerous times. I don't have to worry, it is all fine. But I worry anyway. I wish I didn't; I loose sleep over it which is just counter productive. I KNOW the Lord has a plan, this is His plan and all I have to do is trust. Why do I worry then? I get frustrated, anxious, worried, try various scenarios, wish it was all easier, and worry some more. Why? If only I had more faith. I feel very much like the father in Mark 9:24 who brought his son to the Savior and asked Him to heal his son: "Lord, I believe; help though mine unbelief." I know it will work out. Someday, quite soon actually, this will all be behind me. Why then do I doubt?

SLOW DOWN

I finally broke. Last Sunday I collapsed into a crazy, stressed-out mess of uselessness - The closest thing I have ever come to a real emotional breakdown. I'm not sleeping; I'm depressed and overwhelmed; I am constantly getting sick. I'm not eating right or exercising; I'm not even reading my scriptures. I keep thinking it will get better as spring comes, and after I get these few classes done and get my application for my student teaching turned in. I can make it, but I can't let up; I have to keep going at the same pace (or just a tad faster). But I just cant push anymore. I'm snappy to the kids and way too impatient - it's not their fault, and they don't understand why I'm acting this way. I'm neglecting their education. I am on the verge of tears most of the time. If I keep this up for another year, I will ruin my family, or at least severely harm our relationships. So Jonny and I have decided to push back my graduation date another term; from May '12 to Dec '12. So this past week I tried to catch up on my sleep; not an easy thing to do when you are used to not sleeping. But I already feel better; the weight is lightened. I like the idea of being done with school in a year, but not at the cost. My gut tells me that I can't afford to neglect my health for another year. I feel as though I have been going at a turtle's pace already; well now it will be a snail's pace. But I will finish. There are more things I need to say no to and get them off my queue. I need to make sure I am teaching my kids the right lessons.

Sick babies are NO fun! & I have a real attitude problem

Well, I suppose I should have expected it. I am the nursery leader at church after all. He has been in the nursery with us since he was a month old. The problem now is that he is mobile. So now all the germy toys are accessible. So do I hold him the whole time and keep him from playing? Not practical or even nice. Or do I banish him and Jonny to the hall? I really do like Jonny's help before he has to run off to Priesthood meeting. But something has to change. I don't want to have a sick baby every week until he gets over the oral exploring stage.

Apparently having a nice school break for Christmas and having two weeks of no school work at the close of my last term was not good for my motivational levels. I liked it too much and now I am having a hard time getting back into it. Well that, and they stick me with two huge papers/projects right at the start. Then my mentor says something about 2 tasks a week until May, the early deadline for student teaching next. Yikes, 2 a week? I have been doing 1 maybe 1 1/2 so far, but not 2. If I didn't have anything else to do, sure!! But I don't have 3-4 hours a day to spend on school. Well, I'll do the best I can. Then there is always the What-am-I-going-to-do-with-my-children-during-student-teaching question. I need to adopt a grandma: One who doesn't mind FIVE children.

Ya know, it is actually rather interesting that I am deciding not to push too hard "after all, family is a higher priority" and then Joshua gets sick. As if to punctuate it all.

Well, either way, the time will come when it will all be behind me. I will have my BA and I will NEVER HAVE TO DO THAT AGAIN. I will be able to look back and see the good it has accomplished and the beauty of the timing of it all. Enough of this pity party!

A New Year - a new beginning

Ya know, these new years are coming more frequently all the time. If I'm not careful, I'm going to wake up any day now and realize that all my children have grown and left me.

First a little update, and then I have something exciting to tell you.

I have one more assignment left to finish my current class. I should be done with it in the next few days. I won't have time to fit in another class before the term ends at the end of January, so I will have a couple of weeks to myself. I will have completed the equivalent of 27 credit hours this term. I love the fact that WGU lets me test out of some of these classes. Unfortunately my current classes have projects so I have to do them, I can't simply pass the test and move on. I can, at least, simply review the information and do the projects, so I am still catching up relatively well.

During my holiday break, instead of staying away from the computer like I intended, I ended up starting a new project. I made my own website. It ended up being more than 15 pages. I thought I was done and then I had an epiphany. A friend asked me if I had such-and-such a book and if she could borrow it. It occurred to me that I could add a list of books on my site that I would be willing to lend out. I put together a quick list of 30 titles; that wasn't even any curriculum, just the how-to home educate books and seminar CD's. - I have a lot more.

So I thought, what if I start a home education curriculum lending library? I think there could be a real market. The economy is tough, money is tight. I would love to be able to check something out for a short time and look it over, or even longer and use it for several months. To try before you buy. Potential home schoolers are easily intimidated by the cost of materials. The more I think about it, the more excited I get. The public libraries sometimes have things, but not very much and you can't keep it for very long. The post office has a library mail rate that is very reasonable. I could solicit donations of used materials. I just need to figure out the lending terms. Should I charge a rental fee? A deposit? Run it more like a membership club? I'm not sure. I need to find that balance between making too easy and it being abused, and making it so hard that I miss my intended market.

You want to know the most amazing thing? Throughout our marriage, I have come up with crazy ideas. Jonny is my sense of reason. If the timing is wrong, or it would put my energies in the wrong direction, he seems to know it and shuts me down. When it is good, he supports it. I have learned to trust his wisdom and insight. Well, Jonny is supporting this one. That is my biggest confirmation that this could be good. But yes, Crazy!

September???

Student teaching can happen one of 2 times during the year, September of January.

Well, in my weekly talk with my WGU advisor last week, he decided to totally stress me out. Not intentionally, of course, but it doesn't take much anymore. He said that I am doing well enough, that he really thinks I could be ready for my student teaching NEXT SEPTEMBER, if I want to try for it. Well, I love the idea of being done that soon. But I am not as convinced as he is. Granted, he knows better than I do what is required, so maybe it is possible.

But now I have to figure out what I am going to do with my kids again. Sage was going to come last time, but now she has made other college plans and I don't know if they will be adaptable or not, or if she will still want to. Oh and there is the hours I will have to spend in the classroom before that to get my other observations and assignments in.

Oh, I do not do well under pressure. I cannot procrastinate or I just lose sleep worrying. We will likely have to move next spring, we wanted to take a trip to CA and AZ, and Jonny is already spending tons of time with scouting. I'm sure I could do it if I wasn't also homeschooling, but that is more important. Jonny calmed me down and assured me I didn't have to rush to meet any deadlines; it's not like I have to hurry and get a job that much sooner.

When I talked to adviser guy today, he said the same thing. There won't be any penalty for trying for September and not making it and then just going for January. Either outcome is way sooner than I had hoped. So even if I finish everything up at the end of September and have to wait until January, I have decided to be OK with that. Funny how I have to talk myself into that. I am just a Gotta-have-it-all-planned-out sort of person. It is hard to go with the flow on something like this. I wonder why. For a lot of things I am very laid back, but not when you give me a deadline, then I have to do it.

So I am not going to push for September. I am going to go at my regular pace and just see what happens. I know there is an answer about child care when the time comes. I have no idea what that answer is, but I know it will present itself. Now that right there is a huge growing up I have done. Last year at this time I was really worried about what I was going to do with them. I was losing sleep over it and everything. So I think I have gained a little bit of faith, wisdom, and patience in the last year.

Another School Report

Well, I took my first objective assessment last Saturday. Instead of going to a proctored testing site they are starting something new. I use a wide lens web cam and take the test from home. I need to set up the camera so that they can see my work area and my face. It was kind of freaky knowing someone was watching me through that thing. I guess they have someone watching 10 people or so and then if he/she sees a problem with one of the testers, that tester is sent to someone watching 3 people. If that person sees something suspicious then it is sent to someone watching just the one and he/she can stop the test. It apparently works pretty well. I will probably get use to it though. I did have to kick the rest of the family out of the house though. I am not suppose to have anyone else in the room. Probably because they could conceivable be feeding me answers. They would distract me anyway. If the computer was in its own room we probably wouldn't need to do that, but we have the computer in the living room.

So I passed my health and wellness test. As I was looking at the vast amount of resources for the constitution/government class, I was impressed. Students can choose from not just the text but more than 30 hours of video lectures and other resources. I decided that I wanted to focus my study energies and asked my mentor if I could take the pre-test to see where I was at. I passed that with a 92% with out studying. Hey, it pays to be a nerd sometimes. So I am ready to take that test too. I will do that tomorrow. Good thing I didn't spend $50 for the book.

Then I looked at my next class. It is a math class, but wait. This test requires the same text that I used in my UoP math class two years ago. So I decided to take that pre-test also. I passed it too - barely though. But at least I know what I need to study. I like math, but if I am not using it all the time I forget it. Even on the problems I couldn't answer, I was just staring at them knowing I knew how to do it, but it wasn't coming to me. As soon as I look it over it will come back. So I think I will take that test in the next 10 days or so too.

That will complete my scheduled 12 credits for this term. The term isn't over until the end of January so I will be able to squeeze in a couple more. You pay a flat rate per term and you can do as many classes as you want to in that time.

School Report

Well, I am almost finished with my 2nd class (not counting the 2 week introductory class) with Western Governors University. So far I am really liking it. My first class was a communications, public speaking class. I needed to do research on a topic of my choice and prepare a 5 minute presentation. Once the outline was approved, I taped the presentation and submitted the file. As soon as I was done with that one, I could move on the class #2.

My second class is a Health Wellness and Fitness class. This course has an objective assessment instead of the performance assessment like the oral presentation. As soon as I felt ready I took the pre-assessment. I passed that so now I am ready for the real test.

My next one will be a US constitution and government class. I did a study on that on my own two years ago. So this should just be a review. Seems almost a waste to by the $50 dollar book for the course when I already have the resources at home (just not in the order of the class) especially when I would only need it for about 3 weeks. (It's only a 1 credit class). Oh well.

But it is going well. I meet with my "mentor" by phone weekly for the first term and the less often after that. But he is a decent fellow and I enjoy talking with him.

My new projected graduation date is May of 2013. I could do it quicker if I really wanted to, but I think I like the casual pace. I can spend more time with my children and their education. It drags out the pain, but the pain is not as intense.

Catch up

Well, I got behind. Allen came to visit the last weekend in July. Satoko didn't like him gone, but it was good to see him again. Our church meetings are in the afternoon, so we skipped church and went down to see him. Sam was still in town so we were able to spend more time with him, Emily and Abby. I visited Mom while I was there. Wow! just not the same. I don't think I really want to remember her like this. Hyrum left this week for boot camp- he is going into "military intelligence" - one of my father's favorite oxymorons. So I actually said good by to all of my brothers that day. I am excited for Hyrum; this should be a great experience for him. I will miss him, Tawni, and the girls though.

And I started my first class. Actually it is kind of an orientation, get-use-to-being-back-at-school sort of class. I think I could actually go through this school pretty quickly since it is so self paced. But right now I am leaning towards going slowly and casually. It will lengthen out the pain, but that pain won't be as intense for me or my family. We will see how it goes. I can always sign up for more classes if I have time during the term, but if I sign up for too many and can't finish, I will have a "not passed" on my transcript. This would be equivalent to failing the class one term, but passing it in the next. So I will opt for the cautious route, especially with Mom's cancer. I have an appointment with my mentor latter today to schedule my classes for the term. I like to have things planned out; I feel more secure that way. Yet, at the same time, I don't like being stuck to schedules. I am so confusing to myself.

Back to School (do I have to?)

Well, I have two days of freedom left before I go back to school. I cannot tell you how much I have both loved and desperately needed this break. Although I was not happy when it came and it still upsets me to think about. If you missed that saga it is here, here, here, and here


I have transferred to Western Governors University. I am actually looking forward to the new experience. This University doesn't have "classes" it has "assessments" and is competency based. If you can pass the assessment, you get the credit without sitting through a class. They take into account you background and what you currently know. Then with my mentor, we decide what resources would be best for me to prepare for the assessment (text, audio lectures, video, a class, etc.). As soon as I am ready I take the assessment, I can and move on. Some assessments are exams, others are projects or presentations. At least this is the sales pitch. It is an intriguing set up and I want to see how it actually works out.

I was actually scheduled to begin at the beginning of July, but I postponed it a month. In dealing with Joshua's eating issues, I had lost a whole month. I don't remember June happening at all.

So August is the month. But I am not getting enough sleep as it is. WHAT AM I THINKING?!?

Well, for one, I will have to start paying back my loans if I do not return. I looked into deferment due to unemployment, but I would have to be actively seeking employment to qualify.

So do I really HAVE to go back? No I really don't. I could just say no and focus on my family and the other things I have been wanting to do. But I also know that I will forever regret it if I don't. So here I go (full of trepidation)