Easter

Resurrection, from the new Bible Videos 

I am coming to really LOVE Easter.  For the first time we managed to do none of the traditional Easter stuff and it was lovely.  We talked about the Savior's last week throughout our week and watched the new Bible videos.  We had no chocolate or candy (except what they got from primary) and no fancy shmancy big dinner.  I did want to do something special so I made a Baked Alaska.  That was fun and the kids were impressed.
But I was able to focus on Easter and death and resurrection.

I taught the Relief Society lesson yesterday that just happened to be on the topic of the immortality of the sole.  One of the questions poised in the suggested discussions was, "How do you teach children about the Resurrection?"

Just this past week I received an insight into how I have been teaching my children about death and the Resurrection when Rebecca one day at dinner made this statement.  "Mom when you die, I will miss you but you will be happy because your spirit will be with Jesus and family.  I will see you when you have a perfect resurrected body."

You see, my children have two living grandfathers and two great-grandfathers, but no grandmothers.  The only one they remember is Mom.  Those months before and after her death provided many opportunities for us to talk about death and why their grandmothers have passed on.

Why did grandma die?

Because her body got sick.  Her body became too weak to hold onto her spirit anymore so her spirit left her body.  We buried her body in the ground and it will turn back into dirt.  Her spirit is now in the spirit world with her mom and family and Jesus.

But I miss her.

Yes we miss her when we don't get to see her, but we will see her again.  Someday her spirit will be joined with her body again, but this time it will be a perfectly resurrected body.  When she is resurrected she will have a perfect body.  She won't get sick or get old or get hurt.  It will be perfect and she will never die again.

Am I going to die?

Yes, but not for a long time; probably not until you are a grandma/grandpa.  But then you will be resurrected too and have a perfect body.  You won't get sick or get old or get hurt.  It will be perfect and you will never die again.

or

Mom are you going to die?

Yes, I will.  Not for a long time though, I still have a lot of things to do.  But I will die.  I will miss you, but I will get to be with Jesus and my mom and dad and family.  And I will be resurrected and get my perfectly resurrected body.  I won't get sick or get old or get hurt.  It will be perfect and I will never die again.

Apparently we have gone through this enough that they are starting to understand.  Usually when we have these types of conversations, we have the sweetest feeling in the home.  It was rather amusing to have her say it so simply, "mom, I'll miss you when you die, but..."

I only broke down one time (my lesson doesn't count) yesterday and that was when a mother and daughter sang a duet in Sacrament meeting.  That seems to be my trigger.  I miss singing with mom.  Whenever these two women sing, I lose it.  Oh well, at least that seems to be the only thing that does it.

Have a wonderful week.

Submission Initiative

I have recently learned a little bit more about our natural swing in life from times of submission to times of initiative and back again. It is a natural process of growth and maturity.

I have been swinging into submission. I am reading a wonderful book on how to be a better mentor called "The Student Whisperer." This book asks the reader to keep a notebook and write impressions and complete exercises. In the past, I have read several books that would ask the reader to stop and write about something before continuing on. I have never done it before. This time I am. I must be growing up.

In fact, I have been having so much fun reading and learning (I have some time to do it now that I slowed down my WGU pace). I haven't gotten around to updating the blog.

I also decided that if I had someone to report to, I would be better at reading my scriptures. So I am: you can be that person for me. I made a "days of consecutive scripture reading" counter to add to the blog. So that I will have to fess up if I miss a day. Now you can check up on me.


In other news. I survived my first motherless Mother's Day. I cried a bit, but it was a happy cry. I am so grateful for my mother and the things she taught me. I am so grateful for the joy that motherhood brings me. I am grateful for my children. I am even grateful for the experience of having the children that are not with us now. They are still mine and I know they are an unseen strength to our family; especially to my living children. I am so blessed.

Good or Bad

We watched Megamind this last weekend. It is a very funny computer animated movie about a super villain who accidentally kills his rival. He soon discovers he has no purpose in life and decides to create a new nemesis. But it doesn't work out too well. The guy he chooses turns out to be a selfish guy, eventually turning evil and tries to destroy the city. Well, Megamind couldn't have that and he becomes the hero and even gets the girl.

It was hilarious; I laughed all through it, but I think the movie is dangerous. The "good" guys are not all that likable and turn out to be not that "good". The "bad" guy is very likable and not really all that "bad." I believe this is a real case of calling evil good and good evil. Yes, none of us are perfect, but that is not my point. This is especially confusing for young children who see the world in black and white anyway. It is intentionally blurring the lines between good/bad and right/wrong.

I think we are going to continue to see increasing examples of this type of blurring what is good and what is bad.

Subjectivity

I am taking a literature analysis class right now. One of the assignments deals with subjectivity. We all have subjectivities. This is natural. For this assignment we are asked to analyze a work and attempt to discover the authors subjectivities. We then think of our own subjectivities and apply it to the role of a teacher. What if I am required to teach something contrary to my subjectivity or if my subjectivity differs from a student in my class, how would I handle that? I certainly do not want to alienate a students or create an us verses them atmosphere is the class. So how would I go about mediating my role as teacher and my subjectivity.

The underlying premise in this line of thinking is that it is unacceptable for a teacher to expose or talk about his or her personal world view. I disagree with this assumption. Granted, I would not want to ridicule or belittle anyone just because he or she thinks differently than I do. I do not have to push my view on others, but do I really need to deny that I have any? It does not seem right to be forced to divorce myself from my worldview for a few hours each day. To do so for the years of my career, at some level would I not become divided? If I deny my beliefs, then I am separating my job from my passion. If I attempt to teach without my passion, then I cannot share my passion for learning with my students. If I cannot share my passion and love of learning with my students, then I cannot inspire them to find their own passion. No wonder students often feel that their teachers do not really care about what they are teaching. Yes, I suppose I could parrot the curriculum. But that is not why I want to teach. I want to share my love of learning with others; that requires passion.

Why are we so afraid of offending others? Yes, I disagree with others about religion or politics, but we usually have more in common than not. I believe it is certainly possible to be diplomatic; to acknowledge that there are many points of view. To even discuss those differences. I don't have to insist that Snape (Harry Potter character) really is a bad guy and alienate you just because you think he was a good guy. We could discuss it and we both might learn something new.

To take it one step further, Steven pointed out that after lessons at church his teacher usually bares her testimony about the topic of the lesson. Then she encourages the students to pray and find out if it is true. What if a teacher could bare testimony about the math principle just taught? Truth is truth after all. OK, maybe math is a little too much. But what about other topics? What about evolution, or climate change, or civil rights, or repealing the 17th amendment or...?

Maybe I am thinking too hard.

Or not hard enough.

C.S. Lewis would have been able to think this through much better than I did. I am amazed at his ability to take a line of reasoning through several steps to its logical conclusion. I am not that good of a thinker. I can follow him for about two steps. Then I just sit there with my mouth open, amazed at how well he continues for another 5 or 8 steps, long past the point of my brain getting muddled. The man was a genius. Anyway, I'll work on it. Maybe in another few decades I will be able to come back to this topic and do it right.

grace vs tolerance

I have never been comfortable with the concept of tolerance. Yes, it is good to show unconditional love, but if I practice "tolerance" then I cannot judge. Does that mean that I ignore what I believe is right, true, and good? Judging is important; discrimination is important, needed, and natural.

I have been reading a Princess Academy and the Hope Chest Journey: Rediscovering the Lost Arts of Godly Womanhood by my friend and mentor Donna Goff. In this thesis Donna spoke of the difference between grace and tolerance. Grace means favor, kindness, esteem. Some of its synonyms are attractiveness, charm, love, leniency, embellish, beautify enhance, honor. It is charity; the pure love of Christ, it is long-suffering. If you have grace you know the difference between right and wrong, but you are forgiving and have unconditional love.

Tolerance on the other hand does not distinguish between right and wrong. All views are equal.
Donna mentioned that grace is mentioned in the bible 237 times; tolerance never.

So I had an ah-ha moment. It isn't tolerance that I should be exercising but grace. I was buying into the modern showing-everyone-tolerance movement. I should instead be nurturing and cultivating grace. (Why do I fall for the philosophies of man?)

After discussing the difference between grace and tolerance, Donna proceeds to discuss many aspects of grace and how one can cultivate grace: comeliness, eloquence, grace of writing, etiquette, sisterhood, diplomacy, generosity, hospitality, hand work, and making a home.

Life

Life is a very fascinating journey. Our trials, our joys, our growth or lack of it, and how we leave it. Especially curious are the ones who leave this life at a young age. Illness is a difficult trial to deal with. But the sudden ones get to me.

Ten years ago, I lost Tiffany, my best friend from high school, to a car accident. She was 26.

About 5 years ago a newly married young woman from my church ward simply died in her sleep. She was 7 months pregnant with their first child. They were buried together.

Two days ago, a young man Jonny grew up with from Lakeside, Hans Hansen, was killed in a work accident. His wife is pregnant with their second child. They were in our ward when we lived there. I knew them, but not very well.

These are the deaths that I most often ask, "Why?" Why so young? Why at this point? What about those left behind? I do believe there is a plan and a reason; I believe that good will come from all of this. But I am curious why someones earthly missions might be so short. What will they do now?
What of Hans's wife? She was born in Russia and adopted by an American family. Now in her twenties, she looses her husband. Wow! I hope she and her children will be OK.

Back to Zones

We have been functioning on minimal maintenance (if even that) since Joshua arrived. Next week I want to get back to our work zones and do a deeper cleaning each day. I use to think that I had to do one zone a week because that is what was always recommended. This was because they were always trying to tell me "this is all you have to do today so you can do it." Instead, I will work on a zone until it is finished and then move on to the next zone whether it takes 2 days or 2 weeks. What was happening was I was finishing early and then getting a break. This is not good if I am trying to create a habit. The idea is to get into the habit of consistently working through them.

Zone 1 Laundry Room / Garage, Playroom and Outside
Zone 2 Bathrooms and Bedrooms
Zone 3 Kitchen and Dining Room
Zone 4 Living Room and Desk

It is good to have a smaller house!

Now Daniel likes to use the chore cards. Steven prefers a simple list. I wonder if I can accommodate both of their preferences without doing too much myself.

The other trick is working in our rhythm. (Of course the flow of the day is often determined by the level of successfulness of the bed time routine from the night before.) I want to include:

Clean bedrooms
Breakfast
Scriptures
Chores
With feeding Joshua and pumping somewhere in the mix. This is what is messing up the flow.

By this time, they usually need a good break. Now during the school year, this would all happen before we begin school for the day. If we are slow then school doesn't start until almost lunch time.

I need to figure out when I will do my own studying too. I would like to do as much before they wake up as possible, (without starting the day out too late) and then have an hour or two in the afternoon when I have uninterrupted time. (Yeah right, with Joshua?!?)

Be prayerful. Take it one day at a time. Create a victory list.
I think I need someone to report to; someone who will keep me accountable, not to perfection, but to progression.

Week 2

So we managed to get his weight back up. Big relief! But in the process of supplementing, my milk supply went way down. The doc said that as he nurses, my milk will increase. Tuesday night I came to conclusion it wasn't happening. I needed my milk up so that he could learn to latch on, but I needed him to latch on in order for my milk to go up. AARRGGHH!!!

Wednesday morning I called Le Leche League. May I just say, I LOVE LE LECHE LEAGUE!!! Julie made a two hour drive (1 hour each way) to get me an awesome real double pump. She came to my home, set me up, and did her best to assess Joshua. She said, "If they aren't nursing, it is because they cannot nurse. All instincts are pointing them towards that end so if it isn't happening, something is in the way. She noticed a few things that may be causing the problem. His tongue isn't doing a wave action like it is suppose to, but is bunched up in the middle. Consequentially, he is trying to compensate by using his entire mouth muscles to do the job. But this is fatiguing. He tries but tires and lets go, tries and lets go. She noticed that his lower jaw is receded. She admits that she does not know if it is enough to cause problems but she suspects that it is. It is called mandibular hypoplasia. This could have affected the development of his tongue. She recommended a breastfeeding specialist in Seattle. I set up an appointment for next Thursday. Julie's help was spread over the course of the day. She came, left, and returned with more information and pointers. She left me with a finger feeder. This little device will syphon the milk through a flexible tube I place on my finger, he then sucks on my finger instead of plastic nipples. This will help reduce nipple confusion. She showed me a different position that would help him latch on better with his jaw. I was SO grateful for her help.

But wow, what a lot of work this is going to take. I am already tired and overly emotional. Do I call the Relief Society for more help, dinners and child care? Do I put my other children second for the foreseeable future? If so, I have no right to return to college classes in July. Is all of this worth it? Is it necessary? I'll have to figure it out. I will continue down this path for as long as I feel impressed to do so. I just hope I quickly learn the lessons of this trial so that it won't be long.

And then to top it off, he now has thrush; just one more thing to make this difficult.

Well tomorrow will be an important day. Isaac is going to be baptised and confirmed, and then Joshua will receive his baby blessing. We are doing it at the same time so that family will not have to make extra trips. Jonny's Dad is here from Arizona for the events, so this is the time. I'll try to get in a shower before then.

First Week Musings

It never really struck me the first 2 or 3 babies, but since then it has. During postpartum time I am so grateful for the little things. Running water, warm water, showers, washers and driers, warm houses away from drafts, disposable conveniences. I am in awe of the centuries of women who have done this without these wonderful gifts. I am truly blessed.

The kids are adoring Joshua. It is so fun to watch. I love the first few days with such a special new spirit. I seem to forget how special new babies really are.




I have been absolutely horrible about returning phone calls this week. Joshua is having a hard time learning to latch on. By Thursday morning, he was looking very jaundiced, his dirty diapers had dropped down to only one or two wet and no poopy, and we had spent a very frustrating night with him trying, but not being able to eat. I called the Doctor / midwife Thursday morning. She had me come in right away. His jaundice wasn't too bad, but of concern. He had also lost 18 oz. She gave me a breast shield to try. I had never used one, but it seemed to help. So every hour that I was awake, he needed to be nursing, if he didn't improve, we would need to go to the hospital. No Pressure!?! Friday his jaundice looked much better, he had had 4 wet diapers, but his weight was still down, stabilized, but he hadn't gained. I needed to get his weight up and my milk supply up. I would also need to pump and give him that too.




I have a hand pump but never really got the hang of it. So Joshua and I stopped at WalMart to get an electric pump. I don't like carrying those car seats, so I just wrapped him up in my coat. It was raining a bit so he was hidden. Here I was, Woman on a mission: get in, get that machine (ignore the one more expense) and get out, so my baby can be healthy. I am not seeing all the people smiling and looking at me until a scruffy looking 20 year old guy said "Hi" to me. That woke me out of my zone. Again, I had forgotten how special babies are. I began to return the smiles that I was receiving only because I was carrying a baby. I had brought joy into Walmart by bringing my baby.

So we began this absolutely insane schedule of nursing and pumping every two hours. WHAT?!? It is not even physically possible to to fit that into a two hour period. At least not if I am supposed to eat, let alone sleep. Here I am waking a new born to eat at 3:00 AM. But I do my best. He is gaining, but I can't keep up with the pumping too. About the time I started bleeding, I decided that I would try supplementing with formula. I would still nurse at the right times, but I would try to get another ounce of formula in him too. This is working better. (I realized I hadn't showered in 3 days.) My mission is to get him back up to birth weight and then I can work on the latching-on issues.





I do not like the idea of formula, especially for such a new person. I love breastfeeding. I love the convenience, simplicity, bonding, cost, and child spacing it provides for me. But as I see him chow down on that bottle, I am very tempted to put it aside. Many breastfeeding purists would criticize and consider me a failure. At this point I figure if my baby does not thrive, I am failure. I'll keep fighting for the breastfeeding; the health benefits are so worth it in my mind.




Asking for frozen dinners instead of gifts was pure inspiration. It has been such a blessing not having to worry about dinners in the middle of all of this. I have been so absorbed with taking care of him. So if you are among the many I was planning on calling this week and didn't, this is my excuse.

Thoughts on Schooling

Perhaps I have given the wrong impression. I do not believe that everyone should be homeschooling. Nor do not think public schools are evil and that homeschool is the answer. Well, I do think that there is evil in the pretext of public schooling, why else would it be so high on Marx's list of must haves? But that is a digression. I certainly do not think the people teaching and administrating at the schools have anything but the best intentions. They are there because they passionately believe in what they are doing and are trying to make a difference in the lives of children.

I do not think that schools were necessarily better 100 years ago than they are now. What I do object to is the cookie cutter, one-size-fits-all way of teaching (much of which was around 100 years ago). I do not believe that children are all the same or should even have to learn the same things, let alone at the same rate or age. Daniel Boone is a good example for me. He had minimal schooling, but he was very educated. Yet, his intense schooling had nothing to do with a pencil and paper and books; he had a different mission. I do not object to standards. After all, I have standards that I want my children to meet before I let them graduate. But I do not think that politicians are the best ones to set standards.

What I like is options and variety: Choices. There are many ways of teaching that are perfect for others, even though I would not choose them. And I am perfectly fine with someone not choosing my way. I just want to have the choices available and the opportunities to take advantage of them. I would like to see each child mentored on an individual level with a curriculum catered to him/her; but that is my way.

One problem I do see in public schooling is that it has largely alleviated parents of their responsibility to school their children. Public schooling has become a crutch to lean on so that parents are not required to make some of these choices or even to consider possibilities. Not that all parents do not take it seriously, but many do not think it important; it is being taken care of. The one thing that repeatedly came up in all of my classes was "what about the parent's who do not care, or support, or etc.?)

Anyway, what it comes down to, is that I love education! I get excited when I see the many different approaches taken to learning both formally and informally. I do not want to see those options restricted be they public, private, charter, home, or something else. They all have a place and fill needs.

Enough of that.

New Year Musings

Well, it is time to look back, take inventory, and make plans for the next year. My goal for the next year is ‘not to push myself” OK, I’m supposed to say things in the positive, but I haven’t figured out how to word that yet.

This is about the only goal I can handle right now; knowing that this whole year will be a big push. I am on the downhill side of this degree goal. It will be a big push to get it done. Therefore, I cannot push myself in other areas. A few days ago I was mentally going through all of my responsibilities, realizing how many of them I am not doing as well as I want to.

I have an extensive list of things I want to improve on. I actually started to write it down and decided it was just too much to think about. I can’t do everything every day, and certainly not well. My to-do list is depressing me.

A few years ago one of my mentors told me about her Victory List. One day she stuck a piece of paper on the fridge and wrote down everything she accomplished that day. When her husband came home he was both surprised and impressed with everything she had done. This began her keeping a Victory List instead of a To-do list.

As I was pondering and feeling overwhelmed, I remembered Donna’s Victory list. I do not have to do it all everyday; I simply can’t, but I can do what I can for that day. I decided to jot down what I did do for my own personal victories, and what we accomplished in our school day. So my goal is not to push myself.

Simple Generosity

I am simply amazed and humbled by the sweet generosity of people. A few weeks ago a gentleman from the ward approached me and asked if I would have my children write a Christmas wish list. He said that he liked to do "something special" for the primary children at the ward Christmas party. I was curious and stunned. What could he possible do with a wish list from all the primary families in the ward. He couldn't possible intend to fill ALL those wishes ... could he? Well, the ward Christmas party came and went. It was a wonderful event, but nothing "special." The brother was not even in attendance.

But tonight the doorbell rang. Two boxes of packages were sitting all forlorn out in the darkness. Some of these packages looked suspiciously like the items on the list. Accompanying the packages were gift receipts, and two gift cards, one for Safeway and another for Walmart with a note that said "for stocking stuffers."

What a wonderful blessing! Money is so tight this year with the move and still trying to find a renter for the Lakeside house. We would have been OK. But this is definitely going to help.
I am not nearly so kind or generous. Even if I had the money, would it even occur to me to obtain a list, do the shopping, wrapping, and delivering? Would I even think of passing out $20 bills? This would be great too and a lot less stress on me, but to go to these lengths? I do not have the means of doing something like this for others, but I can be a lot more generous with what I do have. I have been humbled.

A few more thoughts on Teaching Self Government

When I was praying and pondering on where to go for further parenting advice I was very cautious. Behaviourist modification seems to be very popular right now, but I just don't feel comfortable with these approaches. Often I had difficulty pinpointing exactly what it was in these ideas that I didn't feel comfortable with, just that I needed to move on. They have some good ideas and points, but ultimately, I disagree with fundamental, underlying assumptions. I do not believe that a child is there to manipulate or that it is right to do so. Each child was already a complete individual before they came to me and I need to acknowledge that. They are not mine, they belong to the Lord and I am charged with their care and training. I need to respect the agency of others.

So when I decided I needed more direction, I was leery of whose direction I would follow. This is probably why I spent so much time looking and reading the scriptures. I do feel that I was guided to Teaching Self Government. It may not have all the answers, or be the best for every family. But I feel it will help me in my goal of not having perfect children, but of raising adults who know who they are and have the confidence to follow their missions.

Balance

I have been pondering the concept of balance lately. We are told that we need to maintain balance in our lives; too much of one activity can throw off the balance of our lives. But how can I “maintain” balance? I thought of it in the sense of a balance scale or a teeter totter; I felt that I needed to have both sides level in order to maintain anything. I was continually frustrated because everything was always rocking one way or the other; I felt I had no control.

I finally realized that "level" and standing still was not natural. The world and universe are always in flux. If not, there is no growth or progression, only stagnation. I realized that instead of trying to keep things level and control every aspect of life, (I'm not a very controlling person, so this was very unnatural) I needed to learn the art of rocking back and forth. There are times and seasons to our lives, waves and calm. Balance does not fit.

I heard another good analogy recently: That of juggling. "How can you juggle everything you do?" Answer: "Exactly, I juggle." When you juggle, it doesn't matter how many balls you have in the air, you still only have one, maybe two, in your hands at one time. You take care of what is needed and trust that that ball will come around again later in its turn.

I had taken “maintain” too literally. (Maybe it is the wrong word in this instance.) I don’t need to maintain balance in my life. I need to instead focus on what is important now, know when to deviate from the plan, and trust that when I am making good choices, it will all come around again.