My Miracle

I'm not sure how well I will be able to share this, or even if I should. But I never want to forget this experience. ~and I maybe you might gain something from it as well.

You may have noticed that the last few years have been a little trying for me as I work on my degree. My usually happy and positive self has experienced stress, depression and anxiety like I never before have. The last few months have just spiralled down. I was literally living from blessing to blessing (I have done that before actually. For several months in seventh grade until my parents did the crazy and unthinkable: they pulled me out of school for 2 years.)

I know that the Lord wants me to do this. I know that He will provide a way. I know that if He can create a world, He can help me finish my degree. I know that my attitude plays a big part in my day to day happiness. I know that if the Lord says I will be able to meet my goals, I will be able to do so. I know that if I am self absorbed, I need to look to the needs of others. I know that if I have faith, it will work out. I know that my family loves and supports me and will help when I ask. I know that if I focus on the negative, I am likely to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I know all of this, yet I couldn't shake my negative spiral I was in. I was crying all the time. I prayed, I fasted, I read my scriptures. Still I just couldn't get myself out of it. I was just plain exhausted. It was real despair; I have never felt that before. It's not like I can just go through the motions; I have to write, I have to be creative, and creative can't happen in a spirit of negativity. I began to look into taking a term break. When I prayed about that, I received the answer that it was up to me. I will finish eventually, and that is the important part.

My current term ends at the end of January, so if I am going to take a break now is the time to decide. In a 12 hour period I literally changed my mind completely at least 5 times. I fasted that day too (two Sundays ago).

That night I had a bit of a revelation. The Atonement is not just for sin, but for our weaknesses and sorrows too, even our lack of faith. I plead for the power of the Atonement to heal my heart. I plead that I might find joy in my studies again. Finally, I started to climb out of the pit I was in. I can't describe how real this was. I feel almost like I should quote Alma (36:21)
"There could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains ... on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy." Probably not to the extreme as Alma's experience, but it was real. I couldn't pull myself out. I tried. I was doing everything I felt that I was supposed to do to receive the help I needed. I was in trouble. I knew I could not continue that road without walking right into an emotional breakdown. It wasn't until I invoked the power of the Atonement that I felt any relief. And relief came. The assignments that had been haunting me were suddenly not so bad. Ideas slowly began to come. I finished that assignment. I finished the corrections on another.

I still don't know how it can all possibly get done on time (end of July). I have plenty to keep me busy for a year. But miracles happen. They happen everyday if we are paying enough attention to see them. This degree is a miracle, for it is not me alone, by any stretch of the imagination, that this will be done. It is evidence of a string a many many miracles. And I will finish, eventually. I will not take a break now. I will continue on. I will complete it eventually, and that is fine.