Almost There

Student Teaching has been a roller coaster of an experience.  January it was fabulous.  I loved spending time with the kids, helping, teaching, and meeting the staff.  I quickly began my Clinical Observations did well and improved each time.  The kids were doing well and time just went quickly.

February was good.  Steven started to have some conflicts with Lori, personality differences. I worked on and completed my big huge TPA assignment.  That was a lot of work and a huge accomplishment.  I sent the family away almost every Saturday so that I could work on it and get it done.  It was good, but tiring.  Towards the end of the month, Lori had a couple of sick days, and the kids spent a few days here, a few with the Walton's and a few with the Atwood's.  The change got hard on Joshua. For about a week, he just wouldn't stop crying for more than a short time.  He is such a happy boy, this change was quite alarming.  I began to be anxious for this to be done; I want to be back with my family.  It got to be too much for Lori so the kids are split up.  She still has Daniel, Joshua, and Rebecca.  Steven and Isaac are at the Walton's.  It is working out very well.

March.  I'm almost there.  The plan was for me to teach practically exclusively for a week, then officially alone for 2 weeks.  The last full week I am to pass it back to the host teacher and spend some time observing other classrooms. I am almost done.  The transition seemed to go well. I did the whole week alone with her in the room only occasionally.  She still did a lot of the discipline though.  This made me a bit anxious, because up until now, that was the one thing I had not really taken over.  It was going well though; I knew they would test me and I felt prepared. 

I was not! I was totally taken aback by the level of testing and challenging I received.  These sweet lovely children turned into monsters.  OK, not really.  But they needed to know what I expected of them and I had failed to clarify that for them.  For 2 days it went from bad to worse.  In fact on day 3 the principal came in for a scheduled observation to witness, without a doubt, the worst lesson I had ever given.  I had 5 very active boys all defiantly not participating.  Of course no one can learn in that type of environment.  It was awful.  I received a blessing that night.  The principal gave me some good suggestions though and I put them to work the next day.  It began to get better.  That day I had an observation from my clinical supervisor.  I did not have time to talk with him that day because the observed lesson was sandwiched between other learning segments.  But everyone else did.  My principal and host teacher gave him the run down.  I met with him the following morning.  He also gave me some good suggestions full of constructive criticism and some good solid council.  I put them into practice right away.  It got better.  Slowly but surely.  It is Saturday.  Come Monday I will have to assure the kids that I still mean what I say I mean.

Yes, the full time student teaching is hard, but that is not all.  Yes, it is hard for me to dominate a room when that is not in my nature, but that is not all.  Yes, I am getting "trunky" and want to be done, but it is more than that.  The more I am immersed in the school system, they more I want to get out of there.  I don't like the environment.  25 kids and one adult is not just unnatural, I think it is unhealthy.  Those trouble makers are fabulous kids.  I love each one of them.  They are brilliant and I wish I could do more for them.  But then there are the quiet ones who are easily overlooked, my heart yearns for them too. 

I just cant put it into words.  I have a constant anxiety knot in my stomach.  I don't like the system, but I have to learn and live the system, it is a literal hour by hour battle for me as I have to talk myself into continuing.  I don't understand why it affects me so strongly.  I can't bad talk the system; after all, there are good things happening there. But it is definitely not perfect and I long to have the freedom to teach academics through the Spirit.  I am not good enough yet to accomplish that in the regular classroom.  Maybe someday I will be.

I'm getting it though, it is getting better and easier.  10 days.  One more week of full time, then I begin to pass it back.  My course work is done.  My big huge assignment is done.  My portfolio is done (minus the letters of recommendation that I still have to earn).  I only have 10 more days.  I can do this.

Yet through it all there has been so many tender mercies from my Father in Heaven to assure me and help me.  The morning of my worse day I read from the Lorenzo Snow lesson for this Sunday.  It said:

“My young friends, there is an opportunity for you to become great—just as great as you wish to be. In starting out in life you may set your hearts upon things very difficult to attain to, but possibly within your reach. In your first efforts to gratify your desires you may fail, and your continued efforts may not prove what may be termed a success. But inasmuch as your efforts were honest efforts, and inasmuch as your desires were founded in righteousness, the experience you obtain while pursuing your hearts’ desires must necessarily be profitable to you, and even your mistakes, if mistakes you make, will be turned to your advantage.”

Oh thank you!  I was finally able to cry.

Yesterday as I drove to school I looked up to a flock of birds flying overhead.  Among them was a bald eagle.  He perched in a tree just in front of me.  I thought of Mom.  She spent enough time with the Indian tribes to put importance on the Eagle.  She always felt that it was good if an eagle flew over you as you were driving along.  "Mom, did you send me that eagle?"  And I knew she had.  I knew that she was sitting right next to me and that she had been right next to me through this whole thing.  She wouldn't have left me through this.  This is and amazingly difficult thing for me to do.  She wouldn't leave me.

The steady stream of tender mercies are overwhelming.  How grateful I am for a Father in Heaven who loves me.